How long to wait? How much more anguish? How much more pain for you, and for those around you? It seems so long that we've had this in our lives that its difficult to remember anything else. Here we stand under the sword of damocles and its grip on the chain seems more tenuous than ever, yet its difficult to know what to truly feel. The whole situation is such a swirling miasma of raw emotion that its difficult to stop, step back and take an emotional inventory. I think know what I should be feeling, but the biggest thing I sense is a numb ache in the pit of my stomach as I attempt to contemplate a very uncertain future and a nagging sense that something is missing. For five long years I (and all) have wrestled with what the future might hold, now it has come to pass it seems that the future has simply ceased to be.
All I can say at this point is that you are loved more than you can know. In time I will come to find out whether I told you how much enough, whether I did enough to let you know how grateful I am that you bought me up the way you did. I suspect after this analysis I will be found wanting, but I cannot muster any other means of expressing the inexpressable. In a sense, that is the biggest and most onorous of emotional burdens, as those of us who are mature enough to have acepted the inevitability of the situation should surely have by now instead tried to focus our energies on the expression of the sincerest sentiment that can be assembled under such circumstances. But my biggest fear is that you will leave us not ever really knowing what you have been to me, what you have achieved in your desperate battle not only over recent years with your condition but in the wider amphitheatre of life itself, and just how different things could have been if you were not the amazing person you are.
Unfortunately words are merely words. What else....? What else?
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