A Looking in View

Well yes, I am sure you are sorry. Like I said before I blame myself for putting my head in the lions mouth and expecting it not to close shut. I knew what I was letting myself in for when it happened so I can't sit there and say I am the victim because I willingly and openly deconstructed every defence I had spent so long putting up in the hope that you may come to feel the same way. In a way you are probably right because things have probably irreversibly changed for us forever in the sense that its going to be quite difficult to be friends when I feel like I do about you, especially now you know. It was easier to pretend before and just enjoy your company and hope that one day that things could be different. Then, for a brief fleeting moment I held you in the palm of my hand and dared to hope that things might just turn out ok. Then, just like that, everything fell apart and I was not only back to square one but also beating the hell out of myself for opening my heart to someone, something which I had long ago vowed to never do again, as the risk of getting ones fingers burned (like I did) is too much to bear. Now things are better but it will not take long to be around you in any way before the ache returns. I was forced to reveal my feelings in a very last ditch and hopelessly desperate attempt to keep hold of you when in my heart of hearts I knew you had already slipped away. Try as I might I could not resent you or curse your name because as I said I looked at it as all my fault. But some things don't change, and one of those things will always be how I feel about you. Because of that always bubbling under the surface it is probably going to make us having any kind of platonic relationship all the more difficult. Because I know it will never change. So once again, more to chew over before you decide to proceed any further. x